chrisg

An Open Admission and a Promise to do Better

I doubt anyone is reading that does not have a direct link but I think my work needs to be done in the open.

My name is Chris Gwilliams, I am a developer by trade and I am an incredibly anxious person, diagnosed with Autism at the age of 21. I am also a person who has low self-esteem and is unable to validate themselves so I seek it from others; typically in relationships. For almost all of my adult life, I have been in long-term relationships, with a maximum of a year in between (but normally a few months).

This is because the loneliness creates discomfort and anxiety in me. Discomfort and anxiety are feelings I want to avoid so I seek a distraction: dating. Dating typically then leads to a long term relationship and, in most cases, they have been with some amazing people.

That anxiety stays through the relationship. I believe that I should be the best version of myself for my partner and I do try, but it is tiring. And I do not know what to do with the not so good parts, the “shadow self”. I am afraid to show it because I think they will leave and that fear leads to me doing awful things, like:

• Looking at online classifieds for external validation, through adult chats or audio/video sessions
• Looking on escort sites to message someone (for the same reason) and engaging in physical cheating
• Sending messages to previous partners about feelings (for the same reason). In one instance, this went on for months, engaging in physical and emotional cheating that hurt both my partner and the previous partner.

All to be told (or to feel) that I am good, I am loved, I am OK. But I know this is not true. I know this behaviour is not OK. It is abusive, manipulative and it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy of the very thing that I am trying to avoid.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a person with low willpower. I eat pizza regularly, impulse buy gadgets and rarely go for the “hard thing” (unless it is for someone other than myself). I always believed that these behaviours were the same part of it, and I am sure they are related somehow. But I have also never talked about them directly, openly. Part of me thought that these things were “under control” but I knew that I was ashamed of it. Ashamed that I cannot soothe myself, ashamed that I do not have the skills to fix this for myself and ashamed to admit to needing people.

I am still ashamed but mostly because it has taken me this long to admit it to myself, to others and to work on it. Because I hid it for so long, it became a part of me; a routine, a habit, a knee jerk reaction. For those reasons, and for all of those that have been hurt by my fear and my actions, I need to be open about it; so here it is. And to those people that I hurt, I am so incredibly sorry, you deserved none of this and I hope this goes some small way to addressing that, making some small amends and know that I am doing the work, now, in the open, before causing any more harm to others or myself.