A “healthy” mix of reflection, self-loathing and questioning?

Doing the work is tough to recognise, particularly if you are a person that feels like productivity is only productive when it is visible.

From reading and therapy, I started down the path of co-dependency and whether that applies to my experiences or thoughts within relationships. Hearing or reading the content is painful and I hope that is not because I am avoiding admission of things; I recognise some of the patterns and certainly behaviours fit into them but I would not consider myself a narcissist or a sociopath (though I have considered it in therapy sessions).

My actions come from a place of fear and, quite possibly, from complex trauma stemming from my father’s death but I never do things to manipulate or hurt people. At least, not consciously. This is where “doing the work” feels tough, it makes me question the origin of my thoughts or actions, which is undeniably a good thing overall but it also increases the anxiety and shame felt. Shame and fear are powerful motivators and rarely in the good direction.

To be sure (as sure as one can be), I have taken multiple tests for narcissism and sociopathy (solo and with therapists) and not scored as one. I do not think I am special or that I deserve more than others, nor do I want to harm or manipulate. I am scared and do not feel worthy enough to show my own needs.

As a kid, I did not experience trauma (that I am aware of) nor did I believe anything special about myself or even consider what others thought of me. I would only talk to people about the Libertarian party and I barely understood what an emotion was. I was, and am, autistic. After diagnosis at 20, I went through years of therapy that taught me how to understand some of my own emotions, how to try and identify what others were feeling and what to do/how to act. It was scary as shit. It was like showing me a whole new dimension that was inside the same dimension we live in. “People really think this?”, “People really do that when X does Y?” rolled around my head, a head filled with blissful ignorance before.

Sidenote: I remember asking for a girl’s number when I was 13 and texting them (rarely, because I had no idea what to say) and then being told that I had to write “tbcx” at the end of every message, which apparently meant “text back, Chris x” in txt speak. So, I did, to every female contact and every message, for 5 years until flatmates in university told me that did not need to happen (nor did it ever need to happen). Such a simple statement modified my behaviour and also taught me to expect responses even when messages did not have questions; so many grey areas.

My head did not cope, apparently, it took this huge grey area and try to turn it into black and white rules. Loaded with the loss of a parent who did understand how my brain worked, it focused on following those “rules” and doing whatever it could to avoid the hurt it felt when my father died. “People you love will leave. You can control your actions. I will do that for you” it said. I remember telling a therapist that I spent some time each day imagining my mother’s death, my brother’s death, those of friends, so it could prepare and detach and implement its master plan to avoid the world crashing pain it felt when father was gone.

It created a series of masks to wear to be as neurotypical as possible, never showing a need for others and hiding the autistic self.

There is no excuse for the things I have done when using the wrong coping mechanisms to deal with fear or discomfort, to avoid relying on someone but I very much hope that it is not due to narcissism. I am a people-pleaser, as many are, but I do it mostly because I want to and because I like to feel needed or that I have something to offer this person or this world. Potentially it is for attachment as well, but not to artificially force attachment or trap someone. This behaviour is learned, learned in an effort to live in a neurotypical world and have successful relationships. This fact gives me hope because it can be unlearned and new lessons, more in line with who I am, can replace them.

I hope I can look back on this post in 6 months and either: