chrisg

As a child, I do not think I experienced shame or guilt or other complex emotions. Perhaps I internalised it but I certainly did not know how to recognise it. Many cruel things were said and/or done to me, things that were typical of bullying kids in high school; nothing out of the ordinary for any kid that seemed slightly “different”.

After receiving my Autism diagnosis at 20, I was given me the option to put it on my record or not. I did not understand why and later realised that it was because it could affect employment options and other areas of life (both in positive and negative ways). From what I remember, that was the first time I experienced shame and that I had something to hide.

Through therapy, learning more about masking and people's thoughts made me more aware and, hopefully, more empathetic but it had the drawback of adding shame that I could not do those things by default and that the energy required was exhausting. As well as the fact that I still could be wrong or I could come across a situation where I do not understand its meaning.

When I later got diagnosed with Narcolepsy, I did not feel relief for the sleep issues or that I had not killed myself (or others) when driving to work, I felt shame that I needed more things different to “normal” people. I needed medication to fix it because I knew I did not love myself enough to take a nap in the middle of the day, as was prescribed, or to tell my employer that I needed a space to sleep.

When things went well in life, I felt like they were not deserved or that some mistake was made. I only felt good when being used and, in a few rare occasions in my life, that need was so great that I sought it from paid sex workers.

Outside of those occasions, I sought it elsewhere by trying to find ways to tell myself that I was wanted/needed/valuable/useful. I could not talk about it because I felt like I was already a burden just by having these “disorders” and showing someone else that I sometimes cannot recognise what I am feeling or that I cannot soothe my own fears was too much; too much to even admit to myself. All of these experiences felt like situations I had put myself in and I deserved the outcome.

Talking about any of this made it seem like I am not capable, maybe a fear that I have not realised until recently. I already felt broken enough that I was not “normal” but not being able to identify an emotion I was feeling (but acting on it) made me feel like I could not even handle daily life.

I wanted to seem capable, to seem like I can help others. I hope and believe that was for honest reasons but it was also because I could not help myself and showing that was admitting it.

Last weekend, I co-organised a bachelor party and the great people, as well as the atmosphere, somehow made talk of previous sexual experiences come out. Typically, I would say very little (or joke a lot) but recent events made me be try to be more open. I discussed times when I had been sexually assaulted, times when I had been in a situation and “gone ahead with it” because I did not know how to say no or to get out of it.

Previously, I was not able to call it sexual assault because I felt like it was my fault or that it was “only touching” so I was exaggerating. In other situations, I know I put myself in them so I felt like the outcome was my fault, and it partially is, but I was led to choosing those situations because of learned maladaptive behaviours, shame and a lack of coping mechanisms

From the past few weeks, I now realise that the shame comes from not talking about these things and the damage it causes boiling up inside you is so much worse than the fear of someone you love walking away from you if you show them all of you. And the shame inside is not hidden from others, it comes out in the pain that is caused to them by those negative actions, by listening to the shame, by staying silent and hiding in fear. I am sorry I did not realise this before.

On the flip side, trauma is talking. It is not getting drunk and recounting painful details to strangers, nor is it spilling personal information to everyone you meet. It is communicating it to those within your circles in a way that works for you. You may need to joke about it, you may need to write it or discuss it privately or share with your friendship group at once. It really does not matter how and there is no right way. What matters is that you do. Shame is a disease that can grow inside of you and it only gets stronger the more you listen to it, act for it and let it rule you.

Showing that shame to the real world helps you to acknowledge it, become more conscious of your actions and determine which parts are reality and which parts are cruel lies it has told you to live rent-free inside of you.